DIY Heavan

Dam!

Didn't mean to be rude, that's the name of our house you see. Or rather Dam, river way, north America. I like to live close to nature: that's why I made my house out of newly sawed wood, right on top of a river.

Of course, my wife, Mrs. Beaver, isn't impressed in the least. She's never impressed. She's hoping for kids in the coming months, and she doesn't think that the Dam will be ready for the little ones yet. Naturally she had written a list of jobs for me to do, a load ofrefurbishment projects. And at the bottom of the list, in small, neat hand writing, is the words:

'Don't forget to do the house extension. We will need at least twice the room we have now so that we can raise the children...'

Well, I have to tell you that I am working very hard on the house refurbishment. I have just knocked down yet another big tree. My teeth ache from the task of dragging big trees for miles on end back to the river. Occasionally Mrs. Beaver comes out of the dam and tells me that I have not eaten for a while and that I should eat something, or that I really should move that log a bit to the left because it's blocking the entrance. Her latest comment was that we need a skip hire firm to come and collect all of this rotten wood. I tried to tell her that we didn't need a skip hire: all of the termites are busy with their own rotten wood at the moment, and besides, they don't want wet logs! Not to mention the fact that the river will gratefully carry away any waste materials that we don't need any more. But no, Mrs. Beaver won't listen. 'skip hire, skip hire!' is all that she has been talking about for the past three days. I am considering sending out a letter to the African termites, to see how much they charge. Not that I want them around; I find the company of insects rather irritating. But the wife insists!

Right now I'm really quite busy gnawing a portrait of the wife and myself. It's going to look absolutely stunning on top of the ornamental fireplace! I only hope that the wife will give up on hiring a skip and begin to appreciate the wonder that the Dam has become!